lalalalalalal

so basically just kinda laying here in bed avoiding homework...no real reason for writing....just writing....i think i need to go shopping....i need to get money out....i just idk....i need to go take a vacation.....or a dayh off .lol

The things you should know

Today is a very interesting day. No particular reason I guess. I just have been thinking a lot and my passion against and for certain people have exponentially grown. I want my family to actually get along and not nhave this underlying hatred of each other. I want Zach and Abby to have a better childhood than I did. I just don't want them coming out fucked up because of my mom and phil. Phil is being such an asshole. I just don't get it. I mean even I can see my mom struggling to keep up with the bills and the needs of the four of us he's gotta see it. But no he's spent well over 3.5 grand in the past month. What the fuck!!! I'm fucking tired of feeling like a burden to them and he sure as hell isn't making it easier. I mean seriously he has put over 2 grand into his car in the past 2 weeks. What the hell is that shit. I know I'm always bitching about money but this is really starting to urk my skin. I feel like im gonna breakdown one day and just not be able to take this shit anymore. I'm not asking for a perfect family. Just one that could get along everyonce in a while. You know maybe everyone sitting down at the same dinner table and having a conversation of how your day was or hell even a conversation without bitching and groaning at each other. I'm stressing myself out and I know I shouldnt be. I just want the best for the other three kids. I'm worried about bex. She's gotten really distant from everyone lately and won't talk to me or even acknowledge me when I talk. I just dont know. My brain is thinking about a thousand different things at one time. I need to get away. I need a g-d damned break. I can't even find time to just be me anymore. With phil being gone almost everyday it makes things better and worse. first i dont have to listen to him bitch about how i did this wrong or should have done better at this or whatever but the downside is that he comes home in a drunken rage and starts throwing shit and screaming. I don't do screaming very well. Great now I've started crying. I guess i need to wrap this up I just so afraid that my family is going to crash and burn and im gonna be away watching it from the outside. im just so afraid. i dont know what to do. i wish it could just be an easy fix but im, not so sure it can be. i think i need to "suck it up and be a man"