UGH

I don't feel like finishing the other post yet lol. A lot of shit in that one. I slept like shit last night. I kept waking up for one reason or another but for some reason I still woke up before the sun rose this morning. I didn't go to the gym for the first time in a while. This allowed me to troll fb this am. In the post to be completed later I go over my dinner with C. Well regardless I got a message from her this am apologizing for being a bitch and apologizing for all the drama that happened in HS. I haven't replied yet. I don't know how yet lol. She confuses the hell out of me. I honestly just want to be civil with her but part of me is asking why the hell do you even want to deal with that shit.

I hope this bank shit gets figured out soon. I'm down to living like a college kid with no job and it fucking SUCKS. Can't do anything, it's a struggle to find food, and all of your responsibilities want stuff from you at the same time. UGH.

The situation has become friendlier which is nice. I don't know where I was going with that.

Today looks like it is going to be a long day at work. We'll see how it goes.

I'm ready to go out and get my fucking confidence back. Being a lump on a log fucking sucks. I'm ready to go rule the night again. I wanna go cause trouble. I wanna get all cute and wing for the bro. I really got to get better and working for myself but I'm too good of a wingman to give that up. Matt owes me big time. Between M, S, and J he coulda had a decent relationship 6 times over. I can't do everything for him lol. W/E.

Till the next time....

Interesting

It's been an interesting time living since my last post. Round 3 happened at Club Shindig and man did it suck. The night started out fine but shit went down hill FAST. H came over with her dorm mate which I was totally cool with but everyone was giving my shit saying how I shouldn't have invited her and all this ish. Whatever. The last thing to happen with H was when she got high as hell and she was a bit tipsy. I told her to go to the bathroom so that I could talk to her because her friends were already talking about leaving and I didn't want her to leave. She also was in no condition to drive anyways. Some molesting went down but then she got all nervous so we left. Being funny I walked out of the bathroom with my pants half down. Heidi and April gave me ish but w/e. We found out there was a 15 y/o at the party so I had to deal with that. Matt dipped and left with Sarah. Bex was drunk as hell. My buzz is already gone and then I realized that there are like 40+ people in my house and started freaking out. I sat at the top of the stairwell and started controlling the music. L gave me her bra (she was quite drunk) and requested a foot rub from me. Not less than 15 minutes later she was worshiping the toilet. It's w/e. Took us like 4 hours to clean but its all good but never again shall we mix age groups like that.

We helped EV move into his new place. I swear to g-d I am not having kids until I have a decent place. Babies smell I know but damn dude do you ever clean that child? Regardless we got him all moved in and I met Jess. She's alright just kind of demanding. Reminded me a lot of Ex-C.

Found out my Itunes account got hacked and caused me to lose a hella lot of money. I think I already posted about that though.

EV's bday party was alright. We showed up at 4 and he wasn't there till like 8. It's all good Matt and I made good impressions on Kayla, April, and Jess. Once EV showed up the drinking began and dear jesus these people can't hold their liquor. Kayla's BF got so drunk that he couldn't walk. April's BF and I had to carry him to the bed. Man was that fun. But I gotta hand to EV for raising Jess' kid and preparing for his otw. Props bro. Don't let your wife and kids totally steal you away man.

We also had a board game night which was pretty sweet besides the fact that EB showed up. Matt left for a chick which I didn't like at all. like WTF bro I don't see you for a few weeks and then you ditch our plans for a chick? Fuck you. When he came back he stole EB which was cool but still. We were up till like 4 just playing games. It was nice to see Jeff again. Haven't seen him in a couple years. Reminded us all of our middle/high school sleepovers. Was super fun. Brandon D. is super cool too. We've been chilling more often.

I haven't seen a lot of people in a while. Once I get this shit with the fraud straight I will make a point to go see these people since no one wants to come see me. Seems kinda ass backwards doesn't lol. I just want to go out. You never realize how much you miss it till you can't do it.

I'm not sure what's going on with my brain lately. Like I'm loving school but I'm not sure if I want to finish. I just don't see the point sometimes. Gotta keep my head up though. GOtta show Phil what's what.

I am going to make an effort to blog more often. It helps me get shit off my chest. Matt's great but I can't just be like yo listen to me bitch. He'll tell me to just get a beer and walk it off and beer doesn't solve most problems though lol.

Mom's dating a 24 y/o and a 48 y/o. Kind of interesting. She's jumping through guys like it's a sale at Macy's. I don't understand her sometimes. I really don't like the 24 y/o. He's a d-bag and tries to act like we are buddy buddy. I wanna be like bitch you're my fucking age with a chick who has 4 kids and one your age. You don't find that to be creepy. He thinks he's bad ass too because he works for verizon as a call center dude. Bitch you dropped out ECPI. Don't tell me you are the best thing this world has seen. I mean you're not the scum of the world but you're pretty damn close.

I wanted to finally finish this up because I was tired of looking at it. There are so many things I could add to this but it's just the same old shit. Good Luck to living.

Let's go

Dude why the hell am I such an emotional person about stuff.  Why can’t my head ever be on straight and have a clear heading of where I want to be.  I know what I want and where I need to be to get that but my fucking brain always takes shit to the next level.  Why do I care so g-d damn much.  Sometimes I wonder what kind of person I would be without my heart (besides dead).  I could be that “cool” guy.  I could be the guy that everyone wants to hang out with.  I’m everyone’s crying shoulder (and I enjoy it).  I enjoy consoling people and making sure that they are happy and content.  Honestly I wish nothing but happiness for everyone else.

 

My Emotions have been taking me for a ride over the past 72 hours.  I hope my brain shuts up even for just a little while so that I can live life.  I think the whole being by myself is what is getting me the most.  Oh well, you live and learn right?  I don’t mind living by myself but the boredom sometimes really gets to me and causes me to THINK.  Me thinking is a scary thing.

 

Carnival of Madness is tonight.  For some reason I’m not excited at all.  The only reason I’m going is because no one else wanted to go.  Even with a free ticket.  It cool though.  If nothing else I’ll get to enjoy the outside.  Its been a while since I’ve been able to just hang out outside.  I’m sure I’ll blog from there later.  Anywayys back to the old haul.  Only another 2.5 hours and then I’m gone for the day.

 

Thanks,

 

Stephen Cartwright

Ghent Computer, Inc.

Tier 2 Technician

400 W Olney Rd. , Suite E

Norfolk, Va 23507

757-628-8324 ext. 108

757-628-8324 ext. 5 (Help Desk)

 

"Distant faces with no place to go"

I feel so bad for her. She's in a really scary place and her "friends" aren't being much help. We all make mistakes and we have to live and learn from them. You just can't make the same mistake twice.

I'm really happy for Lynda. She's been so much happier since she started talking with Meghan. I was more than willing to help however I could. The thing that sucks though is I don't think Meghan has told Mike yet. Lynda doesn't see an issue with it but I just don't want her to get torn down after we've been working on rebuilding.

I'm kinda upset with myself. I wish that moving on were easy. But then again I'm not trying to rush into anything and hurt the other person. I'm getting there day by day. As Luke says best "You're 21 dude. When I was 21 I wasn't thinking about anything except for how to make it to the next day. You need to live your life for you." And that's what I'm doing. I'm making changes for me. I'm ensuring that above all I'm happy. No matter how much I miss someone to snuggle with or to talk to at any time of day or to be able to hang out and watch movies in my pjs I'm doing this for me. And i'm gonna make it work damn it.

Being the social king though kinda sucks. I love that everyone checks to see what I'm up to but then again I don't know when to say no. So I end up going out when I probably shouldn't have. Part of living though right?

why oh why

why do I constantly check up on her...why do i wonder if shes ok....why can't i move past this...why can't i get over the fact that i'm not for her...why can't I be the man i should be.....why do I feel the need to be loved....why do i have morals....why do i require so damn much affection....why did I put myself in this situation....why do i feel stagnant....why do I want to start crying again...why do i want to tear my wall down again....why do i feel so vulnerable....why can't you just tell me the truth....why couldn't you tell me before...why do i still love you so much....why can't i get you off my head...why does it feel like you are pulling my chain....why do I enjoy talking to you even when you lie through your teeth....why do I want to take your money and shove it up your ass....why do I want to create havoc....why do i want to start fresh...why do i want to move to texas...why do i want to leave what i have here....why do i want to bring everything i have here with me...why do i feel the need to hold someone....why do i need to hug someone....why do i miss your touch on my lips...why oh why

Someday

Someday I'll talk about
One day I'll mention it to you
Someday I'll be over this and strong like you
I am never changing I can feel this way for days and days
Look you straight in the face and fake my smile

Take this hurt away and bring back yesterday
I could say sorry in a thousand ways
You won't let this be without cutting me
can't put this bottle down as I watch this day fade into night

My blessings-My faults
I've learned all the lessons that cannot be taught
any abuses that I've brought
No more excuses-I want a new start

with all our lies there's no wondering why things aren't working anymore
but now I'm feeling fine flying higher-got the chance to start again-Oh

My blessings-My faults
I've learned all the lessons that cannot be taught
any abuses that I've brought
No more excuses-I want a new start

Someday I'll talk about it
one day I'll mention it to you
Someday I've be over this and move on like you
move on like you

I'm ready to go-I'm ready to leave
Why don't you answer the radio
I'm ready to go-Just watch me leave
It's so hard to see when I'm on my way down

So hard to see when I'm on my way
Down

 

Stephen Cartwright

Ghent Computer, Inc.

Tier 2 Technician

400 W Olney Rd. , Suite E

Norfolk, Va 23507

757-628-8324 ext. 108

757-628-8324 ext. 5 (Help Desk)

 

khaki

I feel as if my social life has grown tremendously since the Alamo. I also can't get her off my mind. Everytime I try but I just can't. I mean I'm surviving but I just want her back. I miss talking to her. Even the simple how is your day going. I wish there was something I could do about. I want to say something to her about it but I'm not sure I should. I don't want it to backfire in my face. But if you want something you've got to go for it.

She made me feel whole. She made me see the bigger picture. She made me grow up.

I want beach so bad. I demand to go tonight. So what if I'm weird for going by myself I want to fucking go! I enjoy watching the waves crash at night. It's calming and reminds me how small I am and how small my problems are. I wish the world was easier but that's life right? I should probably post my thoughts from the other night soon....that's gonna be a long post though. Time for work. Until then....

Weekend recap

so how about a crazy weekend...i haven't done this much in a weekend in a LONG time. ANd had super fun and got a lot of thinking done.

Friday I was supposed to go to dinner with Brittni. It was gonna be nice b/c we haven't seen each other in 4 years but as I figured she ditched me. I hate looking like a g-d damn retard in public. So I also was supposed to go to Cajun Fest with Krissy and Mike. I was otw there when I saw Dave and Matt still sitting outside the building still. Krissy hadn't texted me yet so i figured i would go tell them to go home. Well that turned into going to Press with Dave. It was chill. Had 5 hours of drinking and conversation. Great time.

Saturday was BUSY! I went to the gym first thing in the morning (which was great). I also got my haircut. The creepy lady kept rubbing her vajaja on me but w/e. She did a nice job on my hair. Lynda and I went and got lunch and hung out for the rest of the afternoon and then met matt at the beach. It was chill...played football and soccer for like 4 hours. Then Lynda and I went to the Wave. That was SO MUCH FUN!!!!! Danced my ass off and met some chill kids. Kim was super cool (even though she got a bit drunk) and Carl swears that he is gonna get me dancing on his level. If I start going dancing and the gym throughout the week I'm gonna be a beast. Regardless stay out there till like 3 and then IHOP till 4. It was great though. Lynda and I really connected again. It was nice.

Today so interesting. I woke up at like 11 or so and wanted to go the beach. I had planned a skype study group first thing in the morning tho. Once I finished that I picked up EB (good job posting your plans on FB dumbass) and we went down to the beach. We were there for a couple of hours and then got stuck in the horrid 264W traffic from the interstate buckling on itself. Can it really be that much hotter than last year? What's it gonna be like next year? AHH!!! anyways then we got a call from Habi. He left his phone in NC and needed to go get it. So naturally we said ROAD TRIP!!! After the 3 hour trip down there we got Habi's phone. We then went and hung out on the beach to allow Habi's car some time to chill out. I did a lot of thinking there but that will be in a different post. Anyways rode back up and arrived safe and sound.

I wonder what the wonders of a three day weekend will bring. We shall only see.

Bring it on

IDK I just realized that I didn't go to sleep. I mean I realize that LOTR is interesting but how the fuck did I lose track of that much time. Maybe it's due to my nap yesterday idk. I kicked my ass yesterday. I only worked out for an hour but it was definitely more irritating than I thought. Jessi definitely didn't mention anything about no working out lol. It's all good. I was gonna go this morning but I don't want to tire myself before going to work. I'm probably gonna go after work. Even though I should probably take a day off I can't. It takes my mind off things. If even for a little while.

After talking to Caroline she thinks that I should go for it. I'm not entirely sure that I should right away. I've got to give it time. I mean I want her back but I'm not ready to make myself vulnerable again.

I miss her. I miss the feeling that she gives just when she says hi. I miss feeling her next to me. I miss having someone who I can always count on. I miss looking at her beautiful face. We are so right together.

I mean I have definitely changed with this time off. Realized that I've got stuff that I need to change. Realized that I suffocate people. Realize that I get addicted to anything. Realized that I can live on my own. Realized that I talk to myself a lot. G-d I feel like I'm back in HS blogging everyday. It was nice though. It let me get my feelings and thoughts out when noone else is there.

Loving Pop Evil. They are pretty banging and sure as fuck are musically stating my feelings right now. That homemade video to Stepping Stone really got me.

Thoughts

Can’t stop thinking about it.  I wish that we could at least talk ya know?  It feels like she’s too busy for me now.  Who knows maybe she is but I hope one day we can talk again.  I finally realized something though.  I suffocate people a lot.  It must be that addiction creeping up on me.  I hope that I can show her that I’ve changed.  I definitely feel like I have changed.  For the better definitely.  Just have to figure out the best way to show her.  The bigger issue is going to be grabbing the balls needed to do it.  I’ve gotta stand up for what I want.  I think that Matt put it best.  No one is going to assume the best.  Everyone assumes static processes.  No one will notice dynamic changes unless you show them and put yourself out there.  Just a big step.  Regardless it’s a step that I must make to even have a chance.

 

On a side note the boobies are almost gone.  YAY!  The gym thing is really working for me I think.  Hopefully I’ll go tonight.  I was going to go this am but I was just too damn tired.  It’s nice to be able to see the World Cup games as well.  It’s times like these I wish I had cable.

 

The sea salt thing wasn’t nearly as bad as I was expecting.  They look so much better afterwards.  I hope that it stops leaking at one point.  Apparently 4-6 weeks is the average.  Can’t wait.  I love them!!!  Mom was kinda freaked when I told her but she was glad that I did something for me.  I’m glad I did something for me.

 

Stephen Cartwright

Ghent Computer, Inc.

Tier 2 Technician

400 W Olney Rd. , Suite E

Norfolk, Va 23507

757-628-8324 ext. 108

757-628-8324 ext. 5 (Help Desk)