and so it begins...

I can't believe im already starting the countdown until phil leaves again....i havent even been home for an hour and he's being an asshole to me.....GRRRR....i'm going to rip off his head....i so bad want to take a bat to his damn car....it urks me as do many things

papers!!

papers suck.....someone should save me from them...or do my calc hw that would be really nice

lalalalalalal

so basically just kinda laying here in bed avoiding homework...no real reason for writing....just writing....i think i need to go shopping....i need to get money out....i just idk....i need to go take a vacation.....or a dayh off .lol

The things you should know

Today is a very interesting day. No particular reason I guess. I just have been thinking a lot and my passion against and for certain people have exponentially grown. I want my family to actually get along and not nhave this underlying hatred of each other. I want Zach and Abby to have a better childhood than I did. I just don't want them coming out fucked up because of my mom and phil. Phil is being such an asshole. I just don't get it. I mean even I can see my mom struggling to keep up with the bills and the needs of the four of us he's gotta see it. But no he's spent well over 3.5 grand in the past month. What the fuck!!! I'm fucking tired of feeling like a burden to them and he sure as hell isn't making it easier. I mean seriously he has put over 2 grand into his car in the past 2 weeks. What the hell is that shit. I know I'm always bitching about money but this is really starting to urk my skin. I feel like im gonna breakdown one day and just not be able to take this shit anymore. I'm not asking for a perfect family. Just one that could get along everyonce in a while. You know maybe everyone sitting down at the same dinner table and having a conversation of how your day was or hell even a conversation without bitching and groaning at each other. I'm stressing myself out and I know I shouldnt be. I just want the best for the other three kids. I'm worried about bex. She's gotten really distant from everyone lately and won't talk to me or even acknowledge me when I talk. I just dont know. My brain is thinking about a thousand different things at one time. I need to get away. I need a g-d damned break. I can't even find time to just be me anymore. With phil being gone almost everyday it makes things better and worse. first i dont have to listen to him bitch about how i did this wrong or should have done better at this or whatever but the downside is that he comes home in a drunken rage and starts throwing shit and screaming. I don't do screaming very well. Great now I've started crying. I guess i need to wrap this up I just so afraid that my family is going to crash and burn and im gonna be away watching it from the outside. im just so afraid. i dont know what to do. i wish it could just be an easy fix but im, not so sure it can be. i think i need to "suck it up and be a man"

The cycle being reset

Crying spells are back. Don't really mind them just a pain when mom tries to force something out of me when seriously nothings wrong with me. I have been EXTREMELY lazy as of late and its bothering me and few choice others. I've begun talking to Joy again which is really nice. I missed her. She knows how to put things in perspective which i need. Everyone else just tells me its ok and sends me on my way. If it seems taht youve pissed me off Joy I've just seen what you told me and need to go and process it. I appreciate all that you do and could never thank you enough.

Tomorrow is school. Shoot me now. I don't want to go back. I know thats the normal thing to say but i just idk. I'd much rather be home schooled. Oh well that wont happen.

L'shalom

"Over and Over"

Over and Over-Three Days Grace

I feel it everyday it's all the same
It brings me down but I'm the one to blame
I've tried everything to get away
So here I go again
Chasing you down again
Why do I do this?

Over and over, over and over
I fall for you
Over and over, over and over
I try not to

It feels like everyday stays the same
It's dragging me down and I can't pull away
So here I go again
Chasing you down again
Why do I do this?

Over and over, over and over
I fall for you
Over and over, over and over
I try not to
Over and over, over and over
You make me fall for you
Over and over, over and over
You don't even try

So many thoughts that I can't get out of my head
I try to live without you, every time I do I feel dead
I know what's best for me
But I want you instead
I'll keep on wasting all my time

Over and over, over and over
I fall for you
Over and over, over and over
I try not to
Over and over, over and over
You make me fall for you
Over and over, over and over
You don't even try to

The disagreement

So basically just been thinking...deeply....and I kinda want to transfer to LT....I'm sick and tired of being pushed around at maury...idk....if you want to take this as giving up i guess you could because in a sense i am...i feel like a failure now and i don't know why....my history is not all that great and i know im almost out of here but i just idk....ive only gotten rejection letters....no acceptance letters and it really sucks....im in the mood for crying but quite honestly not sure if it would do me any good....i just....i know its hard to ask for everything to be ok and i dont expect it to be....im not sure if this is just a teenage pahse or what but i want it to be fucking over...i think mommy thinks that something is up with me....im having a hard time hiding my emotions lately and that bugs me too....i think ive gotten too comfortable with my surroundings...as much as it may suck i think i need a change...no amtter how big or small....i need some sort of change that way my walls can automatically shoot up when they need to....i read recently in someones blog taht they were worried about me....i can understand why....but in respnse i still have my morals in tact....as much as it may seem like im changing....its my weak attempt of holding things in....im being a dick and an ass hole and it sucks...im being the total hypocrite i said i would never be....i just cant believe that i feel like im looking at myself in the third person....i can see the trust bonds i had with certain people totally broken now....and it sucks...i want my friends back...and ive gotta earn their trust and respect back but for somereason my mind doesnt want to agree with my heart....the fight continues internally and i just feel l;ike i should be doing more

Shabbat Shalom,
The Highly Feminine Jew Boy

"Chasing Cars"

We'll do it all
Everything
On our own

We don't need
Anything
Or anyone

If I lay here
If I just lay here
Would you lie with me and just forget the world?

I don't quite know
How to say
How I feel

Those three words
Are said too much
They're not enough

If I lay here
If I just lay here
Would you lie with me and just forget the world?

Forget what we're told
Before we get too old
Show me a garden that's bursting into life

Let's waste time
Chasing cars
Around our heads

I need your grace
To remind me
To find my own

If I lay here
If I just lay here
Would you lie with me and just forget the world?

Forget what we're told
Before we get too old
Show me a garden that's bursting into life

All that I am
All that I ever was
Is here in your perfect eyes
They're all I can see

I don't know where
Confused about how as well
Just know that these things
Will never change for us at all

If I lay here
If I just lay here
Would you lie with me and just forget the world?

Just think what this could mean if a lot of people could just lie down and forget the world. Not sure who still reads this but another post will come tonight or this afternoon. I really need to write this stuff down.

The fighting continues?

There are certain things in life that are worth fighting for. Something’s such as love, life, colleges, and other big things. Yet there are also smaller things that can matter to a person just as much. Smaller things like a grade on a test, not wanting your parents car, a boy you like, or a friend you lost.

But someone’s story brought something interesting to my attention and that is fighting for love. Yes love is worth the laughter, smiles, romantic ness but is it worth the heartache and tears when it comes time to give it up or when your forced to give it up?

You shouldn’t let age, race, religion, or there parents effect the way your feel about the person you love. When your in love the whole world means nothing, who cares what people think about the age between you too, or the race you are...or even your religion. Society is "the green eyed monster"

So think to yourself is what you’re fighting for really worth it? in this persons case then yes I believe it was and she put up and amazing fight and yes in my case i will fight for it too. But what about your case...ask yourself do YOU (not everyone else) believe its worth fighting for? Only you can make that decision, yes others can influence it but you should never let them choose it!