Lyrical Emotions

"Trust" by Adema

Let me breathe
Let me breathe

I can't even think right now
Something's got me feeling guilty
Hurt you slowly but so surely
I don't know why, love you so much
I can't feel because I'm lost
Not to much matters no more
Is it you, is it me, is it us or is it trust?
Or is it trust?

Pushing into what I want
Because I am so goddamn selfish
Left you hanging, stopped relating
I don't know why, love you so much
I can't feel because I'm lost
Not to much matters no more
Is it you, is it me, is it us or is it trust?

I'm so alone, empty and lost, it's easier to let you go
Time will erode the shame and the fault, it's easier to let you go

(Is it you, is it me)
It's easier to let you go
(Let me breathe)

Let me breathe

I can't feel because I'm lost
Not to much matters no more
Is it you, is it me, is it us or is it trust?
Or is it trust?
[Repeat]

I'm so alone, empty and lost, it's easier to let you go
Time will erode the shame and the fault, it's easier to let you go
[Repeat]

Is it you, is it me
[Repeat]

It's easier to let you go

Breathe
[Repeat]

Let me breathe

Breathe
[Repeat]

Take it as what you want. Not like you give a shit.

A little update

Just wanted to let everyone know everything's ok. I posted a diary that basically explains whats going on in my mind right about now. Don't feel comfortable posting it here yet because I'm unsure who reads this blog still. To later days.

The Effects of Human Human Interactions

Some say that its a good thing to hang out with people and open up to them. But I have my own philosophy on this type of thing. One of constant worries has to know the following things: When to open, How much to open, Who to open up to, and lastly why one is opening themselves up.
I hate these times. It's so hard for to open up to anyone and I know it shouldn't be like that with you. I wish sometimes that I just cry in front of you and you just tell me that it will be ok. I may not be as strong as I let out. But none the less I try to be. I try to let the demons dwell beneath me but sometimes it is just too much for me. I have my bad nights and I will admit they have been more often than not lately. I regret taking that out on you. I'm sorry. If you don't want to be friends anymore thats cool. I won't like it but if it would be better for you then I would understand. You don't need me dragging you down. You have enough going on in your world right now than to worry about me. I know you do but you really shouldn't. It's not really that much of a healthy cause. So I am really serious this time. It's all or nothing right now. You decide. You like to choose on the inside. It's natural for you. You may not show it very openly but you want to make decisions. Just let me know some how some way. Whether thats just no longer greeting each other or by some sort of communication. It can even be through someone else if you want but I just need to know. I can take my luggage with me as quick as I set it down. But you have to be the one to evict me. I can dissappear as quickly as you want me to. Very easily. I can hide in the shadows. I just need to know what you want.

The Vehicle

So I didn't really think this fit in with the last blog but I'll go ahead and put it here. Father is planning on getting a mustang. Kinda gets me even more depressed since it deals with money and we all know how i feel about that.

My notebook lost its spiral

Well lately things have been things i guess. Normal stuff and quite honestly didn't see any reason to bitch about it. Something is really bothering right now. But I hate to talk about it just because I know the response that people are going to give me. And I know I can't even mention it. My "held together" feeling has gone and left without paying. I have no back bone. For a little while I did but not anymore. Just taking it day by day. But what can you do?

Internal Clockwork

I'm breaking down on the inside. I don't feel healthy. I feel emotionally and physically ill. I need to attempt homework but I just wanted to sit a quick update in here. And the family drama isjst gettig worse even though I actuallycaused it this time. So the next blog might be extremely short as I might hae to email it from my phone but who knows. If you need something please call me.

P.S. To the person I was talking to last night everything was ok this happened recently

Life through a green spectrum

I need to view life this way. I know nothing is going to get better right now so I'm just going to have to suck it up and deal with it. I know there are certain people that care. And some that would take a d let bullet for me. Actually two that would take a bullet for me. I'm not sure how much either of them will want to after I tell them both something. I honestly think they will both stop talking to me. I'm worried to pieces about that. They both mean so much to me. No matter how opposite ends of the spectrum they may be.

I have been thinking over and over and over again. And I can't decide what I want to do. I've been doing some research on a certain front and times are changing. Keeping up with modern day things. But that leaves me with another decision to make. Stay with the group and prepare for one road of my future or do I break off, prevent anger and arguements, and go for another road of my future. I honestly feel like I'm choosing between someone and something. I don't know and honestly kinda regretting typing this paragraph. Anyways there is just more thinking to be done on my part. Whoopie. I just need to make up my mind and let everyone know. Because I'm sure everyone is tired of the run around as much as i am. ARGH!

Will it Come?

I'm looking for a happy day. Not actively just want one to fall into place. I'm overly tired. My head hurts. My confidence is nonexsisent. I'm really beginning to wonder why I stopped. I felt so better then. Seeing her helped. Even if it was for two seconds it helped me tremendously. Even with father gone drama is still prevalent. I need to leave this house. I've just straight given up on a lot of things. I've taken things that the people close to me have said way too personally and then I feel like complete and total shit. Its like trying to kick your back and in the process you fall on your face. That's how I feel. Honestly I wish I could have just a little bit to recover. But I am not even sure if that will happen any time soon. A fray road has appeared illuminated by fire at the end. So many different choices. So much on my plate. Too much to chew.

The Right Light?

Is the light I'm seeing the right one? Am I seeing the one that isn't miscued or isn't a temporary one? If I follow the light how do I know that it won't go out? How do I know that if the light shines will it shine too brightly and blind me? How do I know if I won't go in reverse just to get back to the light? How do I know if this is just a move of desperation? How can I be sure that I won't be even more pushed down? What would happen if it happened? What if it has already begun? What if my pain is just a sign of something good to come? What if I'm not working hard enough? What if I could be doing more? Does everyone ask these questions? Does anyone else just wonder? Does anyone wonder where it went wrong? Does anyone wonder if they caused it to become sour? Does anyone wonder what if? What if I was a better person? What if I could keep things together? What if I could keep thigns to myself? What if I could be selfless? What if I could make someone else's world perfect? What if I never stop? What if things get worse? What if the life I've screwed up if the one I care for more than my own? What if my heart never repaired? What if my scotch tape came undone? What if I could have come up with a better metaphore? What if I wasn't so damn poetic? What if everything I did made something good instead of the other one? What if I cry to feel better? What if that doesn't work? What if I'm thinking too deeply? What if I stopped asking what if?

Soulsearching

Soulsearching is one of the keys to self-improvement. That along with the thoughts and actions of others around, soulseraching makes you look into yourself and figure out what it is you want. But what if you look inside yourself and can't figure out what you want. I know all my hopes and dreams can not come true and I have a feeling that that is my fault. I make choices that aren't exactly the wisest of all. I've also let some oppurtunities slip out of my grasp and I know I shouldn't have. But I can't be selfish. Not right now. Later on I can be. It's surprising you know. My mom said the other night that I've changed. And I have. Instead of thinking and planning for the future, I am more worried about the things happening right now. That's not necesarily a good change. I need to blog about temple but I'm not going to right now. I need to catch up on chorse and the like

The Lost Shoe

So I can't find my shoe. That makes me sad. I don't really need a new pair so I'll just wear some old one until I find the other one. I went to sleep VERY VERY early last night. Probably like 8:15 I passed out on the florr and apparently mother says I was kissing the vaccum. It was ridiculous. Caroline and Rabbi called but I was dead to the world. I hope everything's ok with her but the Rabbi had to talk to me about something. It had to be since she called at like 9:30. She said it was serious and she needed to talk to me ASAP. So I'm going to tlak to her later today. The odd thing is even though I slept until about 6 this morning I still feel tired. I'm starting to think it's not the amount of sleep I'm getting rather the quality. I haven't slept on something comfortable in a while. Friday night I slept on the couch but woke up multiple times due to dogs scratching(sp?) at my head.

Anyways to the real reason for posting this blog. I woke up this morning and someone had ramsacked my room. Literally im sitting on a computer and leaning against a T.V. I couldn't sleep in here if I wanted to. I feel cold. Under a hoodie and sweatpants I'm freezing. For once my fan is off. For some reason the dogs like to follow me. Especially when I'm in my room. Scruffles just jumped up on he keyboard and now I'm using hiom as a desk so I guess I should wrap it up.

I'm getting better on the front. If I've said I didn't do it. Believe me. I did it once last night. I lied and said that everything's ok but it really wasn't. But there was no point in me bitching about it because it would just make it worse. I'm sorry for lying to you I regret it very deeply. I love you.

Lord of the Matrix

Yes I used a mix of those two movie titles but if I think about it I kinda am the Lord of the Matrix. I'm like Sam in an alternate universe. I want to make things better for everyone else no matter the cost to myself. I want all the pains of others channeled to me so they don't have any burdens. Right about now I feel thati could be doing some more. I've taken a break for myself when others needed me. Now I feel that even if I tell you something you shouldnt be afraid to tell me things. It should be a two way street. But now I feel bad and you all know why.

Admittance

Purging. One of my many inner devils. He has decided to come and pay me a visit. It's helping me in an odd way. While losing weight I also get a sense that I am punishing myself for my mistakes in life. Now granted it may not be the healthiest or even the safest but somehow I feel like complete and total crap. I'm scared. I'm scared of being alone. I'm scared of living a life that I don't like. I'm afraid of the little things in life that could grow bigger. I wonder if maybe everything I've worked so hard to accomplish will just go flushing down the toliet because I can't stand up for myself or even make an attempt at trying to prevent fights or drama within my life. I do try sometimes but fail miserably. Everything I do gets thrown up into the sky and I get to watch it crash down on top of me. I'm not going to sit here and say I'm a fucking saint or anything. I have done wrongs yes I will admit that. But everyone does. The thing I don't understand is why certain people's flaws, mainly the ones of 3 people and myself, get blown so out of proportion that it toatlly masks everything good and creates this image taht they are bad natured. I'm just.....I don't even know right now. I have so many things going through my head at the moment that I can't even think straight enough to type. People need to quit giving me chances over and oever again. I'm a rash that never goes away. I want to feel a sense of security in myself. I don't feel as if I have a grasp on my life. I wish I did but I don't feel like I do at the moment. I feel like I'm right above the earth's core. I can feel the heat coming it's jsut not here yet and that's kinda freaky. Considering how I feel right now and this isn't the worst. I'm not sure what is going to happen but tomorrow is another day I guess.

Another Day Closer To My Defeat

I want to have a happy day. A day without drama connected to it. Without misery. Without me feeling like straight shit. This past week has been total and utter HELL. It's father stuff. Then if it's not him it's something to do with my war against myself. I'm tired of being a monster. Whatever I do I screw something up. And this morning was alright I thought. I talked to Joy for a little bit. Read her comments and really got my mood up. I ended up cleaning. I still wasn't completely bummed out yet but then father decided that he would take turns firing his gun of emotional destruction towards me. Now I feel like complete shit. I want to curl up into a ball and just cry. But it won't get me anywhere. So I'm not going to. I feel so helpless. I wish that I could help people but I can't. I'm losing my touch. I want my castle back desparately. I need it quick. It took so long to build it up but people really know how to tear things down and watch them burn. I want my room back. But that's never going to happen. Father has begun even more work and hes leaving in a few weeks. Apparently, getting drunk is more important to him than finishing the work he started. If I knew he wouldn't yell at me for it I would do it. I want it done and over with. I am constantly reading things to get more knowledge for everything. I want to be prepared to some extent for the real world.

I need a job. It is not a want anymore. It is a NEED. I have applied at multiple places and will continue applying until I have one. I am sick and tired of feeling like I don't contribute to the household. I figure a job would be a good way to pay room and board here. I need to keep this roof over my head at least until April but hopefully longer. I have this really bad feeling that I am holding people back. I don't want to wear people down. Especially the ones that mean so much to me.

The Wonders of a Family

Family drama. What else is there to say? Well I guess one could say that my head has spun around then back again quite a few times today. The beginnning of everything was of course my step-dad. He told me to stay in my room and not come out until he told me to. Then him and my mom were fighting. I wonder if they think that I can't hear their screaming through a door? Who knows. But it got down to the root of every g-d damned fight they have. Money. Apparently we are in huge financial debt and I was unaware of such things. Now I feel incredibly bad. I wonder why I am so needy. Then again I say well I could have had a job if i wasn't home babysitting 24/7 all summer. Then I wouldn't have been such a burden on them. It seems that everytime money is brought up college is brought up. I know we don't have the money to send me to college and I am trying my best to prepare for that. I need to get a steady job. Sure that may mean no weekday evenings or some weekends but it will be worth it. I need an education. I have this need inside of me to learn. I just wish that it didn't cost so much. The scholarship essays are all printed and in a folder waiting for me to fill out the forms. In a few months I will be gathering FAFSA forms and filling those out. Then hopefully that day of fate will come when I get my acceptance letter. Then another day will come when I go to the bank and file for a student loan. Trust me as soon as I am able to I will jump off my parents' backs so they can take a load off. I don't want to weigh them down anymore. They have dealt with it this far and shouldn't have to do it anymore.

College Choices as of 9/01/06:
Moutain Empire Community College
Tidewater Community College
University of Virginia at Wise*
Old Dominion University*
Virginia Commonwealth University*
ITT Technical Institute
* signifies transfer possibility

Major : Chemical or Network Engineering
Minor : Judaic Studies

Then maybe one day onto HUC. To do what I really want. Rabbi.

Poetry Blog

So ive made a separate blog just for my poetry. Read if you wish but don't feel obligated.

Intro number 3

Hello there. I know there are very few people who will actually read this but I am making another blog to fit in with the super cool beta crowd. My old blog was a pain in my butt and I finally made this one. Happy reading.