Admittance

Purging. One of my many inner devils. He has decided to come and pay me a visit. It's helping me in an odd way. While losing weight I also get a sense that I am punishing myself for my mistakes in life. Now granted it may not be the healthiest or even the safest but somehow I feel like complete and total crap. I'm scared. I'm scared of being alone. I'm scared of living a life that I don't like. I'm afraid of the little things in life that could grow bigger. I wonder if maybe everything I've worked so hard to accomplish will just go flushing down the toliet because I can't stand up for myself or even make an attempt at trying to prevent fights or drama within my life. I do try sometimes but fail miserably. Everything I do gets thrown up into the sky and I get to watch it crash down on top of me. I'm not going to sit here and say I'm a fucking saint or anything. I have done wrongs yes I will admit that. But everyone does. The thing I don't understand is why certain people's flaws, mainly the ones of 3 people and myself, get blown so out of proportion that it toatlly masks everything good and creates this image taht they are bad natured. I'm just.....I don't even know right now. I have so many things going through my head at the moment that I can't even think straight enough to type. People need to quit giving me chances over and oever again. I'm a rash that never goes away. I want to feel a sense of security in myself. I don't feel as if I have a grasp on my life. I wish I did but I don't feel like I do at the moment. I feel like I'm right above the earth's core. I can feel the heat coming it's jsut not here yet and that's kinda freaky. Considering how I feel right now and this isn't the worst. I'm not sure what is going to happen but tomorrow is another day I guess.