The disagreement

So basically just been thinking...deeply....and I kinda want to transfer to LT....I'm sick and tired of being pushed around at maury...idk....if you want to take this as giving up i guess you could because in a sense i am...i feel like a failure now and i don't know why....my history is not all that great and i know im almost out of here but i just idk....ive only gotten rejection letters....no acceptance letters and it really sucks....im in the mood for crying but quite honestly not sure if it would do me any good....i just....i know its hard to ask for everything to be ok and i dont expect it to be....im not sure if this is just a teenage pahse or what but i want it to be fucking over...i think mommy thinks that something is up with me....im having a hard time hiding my emotions lately and that bugs me too....i think ive gotten too comfortable with my surroundings...as much as it may suck i think i need a change...no amtter how big or small....i need some sort of change that way my walls can automatically shoot up when they need to....i read recently in someones blog taht they were worried about me....i can understand why....but in respnse i still have my morals in tact....as much as it may seem like im changing....its my weak attempt of holding things in....im being a dick and an ass hole and it sucks...im being the total hypocrite i said i would never be....i just cant believe that i feel like im looking at myself in the third person....i can see the trust bonds i had with certain people totally broken now....and it sucks...i want my friends back...and ive gotta earn their trust and respect back but for somereason my mind doesnt want to agree with my heart....the fight continues internally and i just feel l;ike i should be doing more

Shabbat Shalom,
The Highly Feminine Jew Boy