Another Day Closer To My Defeat

I want to have a happy day. A day without drama connected to it. Without misery. Without me feeling like straight shit. This past week has been total and utter HELL. It's father stuff. Then if it's not him it's something to do with my war against myself. I'm tired of being a monster. Whatever I do I screw something up. And this morning was alright I thought. I talked to Joy for a little bit. Read her comments and really got my mood up. I ended up cleaning. I still wasn't completely bummed out yet but then father decided that he would take turns firing his gun of emotional destruction towards me. Now I feel like complete shit. I want to curl up into a ball and just cry. But it won't get me anywhere. So I'm not going to. I feel so helpless. I wish that I could help people but I can't. I'm losing my touch. I want my castle back desparately. I need it quick. It took so long to build it up but people really know how to tear things down and watch them burn. I want my room back. But that's never going to happen. Father has begun even more work and hes leaving in a few weeks. Apparently, getting drunk is more important to him than finishing the work he started. If I knew he wouldn't yell at me for it I would do it. I want it done and over with. I am constantly reading things to get more knowledge for everything. I want to be prepared to some extent for the real world.

I need a job. It is not a want anymore. It is a NEED. I have applied at multiple places and will continue applying until I have one. I am sick and tired of feeling like I don't contribute to the household. I figure a job would be a good way to pay room and board here. I need to keep this roof over my head at least until April but hopefully longer. I have this really bad feeling that I am holding people back. I don't want to wear people down. Especially the ones that mean so much to me.